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In between husbands, about fifteen years ago, I found myself dating for the first time in the 21st century, writes Edit Producer and Writer Claire Seeber. Completely baffled by the rules of mobiles/ messaging et al: did a woman, i.e. me, have to wait for the man? Was it social suicide to text first? Why did no man want a serious relationship with a mum whose house was full of lego?

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Over lunch with a wise friend: a woman who’s run youth groups all her life, and still advises local council on youth policy, I asked if she thought I was ‘allowed’ to suggest drinks with the bloke I was ‘seeing’. Her response surprised me: ‘I feel sorry for men today.’ ‘why?’ ‘They’re confused, they don’t know their place anymore.’

And I was confused by my own confusion over dating, and then when I stopped dating again, I felt increasingly confused about being the mum of boys. Not because there is owt wrong with my boys, but because I kept being told how bad boys were. A new report commissioned by the Centre for Social Justice speaks of exactly this belief system and confusion: tellingly entitled Lost Boys (LOST BOYS report), State of a A Nation – and no it’s not an ‘80s film about cool vampires because why would life be that simple?

It’s actually a deeply worrying dive into what’s going on in the UK with boys and young men: Why so many fall behind at school until they do far worse in the (awful IMO) exam system the UK clings to; are more likely to be unemployed/ NEET (neither Employed, in Education / Training) or take their own lives (highest levels are between 15-19). Things like deindustrialision have had a massive impact on male employment; likewise a lack of ‘father figures’ in households. Women have fought tooth and nail for equality and we still lack it in too many respects, but we also seem to too often be parenting alone, which means the ‘lost boys’ suffer worse outcomes because they don’t have male role models. It’s frankly a bit of a mess.

As mum and step-mum of boys/ young men (and divorced from my boys’ own dad), as well as both human and therapist, the report dismays me. BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour ran a piece last week about the heinous killer of the Hunt family having listened to Andrew Tate podcasts: when my kids were both still in a huge inner-city comprehensive, we had many a ‘chat’ about that man in our house.

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But as the report says, these misogynists are symptom not cause of this lost boy generation. And I don’t want to talk about that awful man again, do you? He’s had much airtime for an alleged sex trafficker. No, I want to talk about our boys, and to the people looking for answers and solutions. And I’m curious why Woman’s Hour chose not to talk to any mums in this piece, but chose a male educator, albeit an informed one, and a young woman who may run an admirable equality website but is also possibly helping perpetuate the ‘toxic masculinity’ myth, and that only drives our boys further into shame and confusion.

And listening to yet another item about why boys shouldn’t listen to misogynists but do, as a mum I feel irritated on both my boys and my own behalf – it’s as if I’m stupid, as if I need a 30-something to tell me how to parent teens and YAs. I have fought for three years to find parents outside my own small circle to talk to and support each other. But it’s hard to get traction in a world more interested in ££. The social media companies should be forced to take ACCOUNTABILITY, but aren’t, so instead allow algorithms to churn out afore-mentioned crap and porn to the boys (though girls undoubtedly watch porn too, just saying, a subject barely touched on). It’s the governments who’ve bowed to the monopolies and allowed Amazon, Meta, X and the like to become so powerful (because of the ££), they now stand with fascistic leaders of the world – but it’s the mums and dads at home, or the teachers at school, left trying to pick up the pieces or sometimes, as in Esther Ghey’s case, not be able to because it’s too late.

I’m reading my way through the Lost Boys report because I’m looking for a spark of hope that we can find ways to make it better. And meanwhile, I’m here to say that for once ADHD might be standing me in good stead because it makes me get off my arse & at least attempt to do something, even if it is often shouting into the void! I will keep trying to reach and potentially build a community of people who care about our youth

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https://substack.com/@clairesunnyseeber

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